LIFE AFTER LOSSALWAYS WITH YOU
Many people are uncomfortable listening, or talking, about people who have recently passed away but that’s what people who are grieving need to do - talk about their loved one who has recently died. In the first few weeks family and friends are there to support you, to talk about the loss of your loved one and listen to you. This gives some comfort especially when the grieving person is amazed to see that life goes on. We wonder how can the world continue as if nothing has happened, how can people smile, laugh and have fun when we are devastated and unsure how to carry on? This adds to our loss and confusion as to our place in the world like me, for example, I was no longer a Mummy to my only child, Rebecca (my 5 year old daughter had Down’s Syndrome so some extra care and attention was required), so what was my role now? Who was I? What was my purpose? I didn’t even have a choice about changing my role, I didn’t want to change my role or purpose.
Family and friends get on with their lives, some find it difficult or even boring talking and listening to how you feel or to your memories of your loved ones, or worse still your anger at how they passed away. Comments get made that perhaps they feel are for your benefit eg I watched videos of Rebecca as soon as I returned home from hospital the day after she died, a relative said to me “You can watch videos of her all summer or go and get a job”. I was stunned. Rebecca wasn’t even buried.
People tell you that time is a healer but at that moment time has stood still and is passing incredibly slowly, it’s like torture. Others say they are sorry, explain that they understand how you feel but maybe, in those awful devastating days of your grief, it’s hard to accept that anyone could know how you feel. People compare their grief which is also very difficult in the early days. Maybe you have lost a child and they have lost a parent which you might have already endured, so believe the loss cannot be compared. Losing a child isn’t the normal sequence of events that is expected, we always know we are going to lose a parent.
Some deaths are harder to endure than others depending on the circumstances. I know for some it causes them immense pain that they weren’t with their loved one – they have so many questions to ask such as did they die in pain, were they alone – which only adds to their pain. Your pain feels physical, you don’t know how you will get through the day never mind get out of bed, how you will live without your loved one.
Then we have all the anniversaries and even once the first ones have passed, they still come around. For me Christmas was a difficult time because Rebecca was only 5, the time children believe in Santa, are excited leading up to Christmas day, writing their lists, waiting for Santa on Christmas Eve to deliver their much awaited presents. Actually I hadn’t experienced that stage because Rebecca wasn’t aware of Santa’s role like most children her age. Then there are those whose children were older, I know one parent who finds that seeing bridal shops, receiving wedding invitations or even attending a wedding are extremely difficult. Her daughter was 21 when she died in a plane crash and so when her daughter’s friends were getting married, she was once again reminded of her loss, reminded of all the things not only she was missing out like grandchildren but the what her daughter was missing out on too.
However we cannot compare our grief, we are all different, we all grieve differently. Some people try to bury their grief by keeping busy, others are unable to do anything and possibly have to give up work. We all have different thoughts, beliefs, values and rules about living our lives without our loved one and, although for some it’s hard to accept, we grieve differently and about many different things in our lives, not just the loss of loved ones. I personally found this hard to accept when I did a counselling course only 4 months after Rebecca passed away. The students listed a whole lot of things we could grieve for like losing your job, home or car, even jewellery. I couldn’t believe the list that they came up with but several years have passed now and so I can see their point of view.
I have just finished reading Gloria Hunniford’s follow up book of the above title (bestselling author of Next to You), described as “Compelling” by Richard & Judy on the front cover, about coming to terms with her loss of her beautiful daughter, Caron Keating – facing life after loss. The book included a selection of letters and poems from 8,000 people who had also lost children or other loved ones, and this reminded me of a forgotten desire from the early days of my loss. This desire was to offer a retreat to people who, like myself, had lost precious loved ones, who needed to find respite in the sun, in a beautiful healing environment like Dalyan, but also knowing that there was someone there who understands their grief, someone they can talk to, someone who is happy to hear about their loved one, is comfortable listening to stories about someone who has passed away
Apart from being someone who has lost a daughter and other family members I am also a Therapist who can provide more than just a listening ear.
If you need to escape, want to be with someone who can understand your grief, your total feelings of desolation, abandonment maybe, wondering what is going to happen next, how you can live without your loved one, then come to Dalyan to take a step towards the healing process. I am proof that there is life after death, that you can heal, find a new way of living and even find joy and happiness. However, it's YOUR choice! |